
All relationships, even the happiest, experience conflict. Psychotherapist and relationship coach Gloria Zhang says the goal shouldn’t be to eliminate it completely (because that’s totally unrealistic!) but rather to work through all disagreements, troubles, and stressful times together.
Do you know one of those happy couples who seem to have it all figured out? You probably roll your eyes at them. This picture-perfect, adorable couple who’s been together longer than the internet has existed. They hold hands everywhere. Their Instagram feed is full of romantic getaways to countries you’ve never heard of. Sometimes you secretly wish they would adopt you.
“How nice”, you might think, “They probably never fight!”

Right? Bad!
Surprisingly, therapists have discovered that people in happy marriages often never resolve many of their issues! By default, this means that the goal is not to completely eliminate all conflicts.
So how do these “perfect” couples (even though you know no one is really perfect, right?) deal with their problems? The answer is actually more philosophical than anything else.
Happy couples accept that problems are just a fact of life. They focus on managing conflict in a productive way.
The good news is that you can also learn to fight fair. By overcoming your fear of conflict, you will have a happier marriage and become stronger after an argument. In my opinion, this sounds much better than the slow and painful death of years of resentment.
But first…we need to talk about NOT fighting.

There are four habits of conflict that hurt and eat away at your relationship if left uncorrected.
The Gottman Institute (known as the gold standard for relationship research) calls these habits the “four horsemen” of conflict. Yes…there is literally research out there that can potentially predict whether couples will stay together or not, based on how often you do these things!
The First Knight is a constant criticism of your partner’s personality or character. Have you ever said something in the heat of the moment like, “You’re like your deadbeat dad?” Although we rarely hear these things, these words hit our deepest insecurities and hurt the relationship more than you might think.
Responding with contempt is another surefire way to dig your own marital grave. When words are used to hurt and attack rather than communicate, you turn the game into “me versus you” when it really should be “us versus the world.”
Third Knight responds to your partner’s concerns with defense. Have you ever dealt with someone who took things too personally and justified your opinion? It’s also how your partner feels when you care more about standing up for yourself than hearing what they have to say.
Finally, the last habit is obstruction. This is when we intentionally exclude our partners by ignoring, pushing away, or minimizing their concerns to avoid managing conflict. My high school English teacher once said, “What you resist, persists.” Sweeping things under the rug is a temporary fix that ends up exploding later, at a more inopportune time.

So what do you do instead?
Let’s take an example of a common argument that I see as a therapist: when a partner doesn’t get enough attention and affection.
Here are three steps to resolve this issue while protecting your marriage:
Step One: Use a Soft Start
Sometimes it’s not that your sweetie doesn’t want to hear from you. They can’t have a serious conversation while trying to squeeze through two loads of food before the in-laws arrive.
Pick a time that works for both of you, where no one is surprised, and where your conversation gets the attention it deserves.
Start the conversation by reassuring your partner that you love him.
For example: “Honey, we have been married for three years now. I love you more and more each day.
Then, instead of leading with a nasty accusation like “You never pay attention to me again!” try an I-statement such as:
“I miss feeling wanted by you. Lately, I feel like we don’t spend as much time together as we used to.
Step two: Seek to Understand
Whether you’re on the receiving end of an argument or speaking it out, it’s important to remember that your sweetheart is not the Devil reincarnated. They are simply human beings trying to make their needs heard.
Even if you have a legitimate reason for what happened, if you are on the defensive, you will win the battle of defending your ego but lose the war of protecting your marriage.
I guarantee that in most cases, your sweetheart just wants to validate her experience.
And here’s a hard truth for you:
Being an adult means that we take responsibility for our actions. Even if we are not personally related to our partner’s point of view.
Instead of a cold, dismissive response like, “How do you expect me to be affectionate after working in the office for 12 hours?”
Try this for size:
“I’ve been busy with the new project this month, so I can see why you feel neglected. You’re always the most important thing to me. Let’s plan a nice dinner for this weekend just for you and me. .
Oh dear! Even I got goosebumps reading this.

Step Three: Take a Proper Break
Whether you’re on the receiving end of an argument or speaking it out, it’s important to remember that your sweetheart is not the Devil reincarnated. They are simply human beings trying to make their needs heard.
Even if you have a legitimate reason for what happened, if you are on the defensive, you will win the battle of defending your ego but lose the war of protecting your marriage.
I guarantee that in most cases, your sweetheart just wants to validate her experience.
And here’s a hard truth for you:
Being an adult means that we take responsibility for our actions. Even if we are not personally related to our partner’s point of view.
Instead of a cold, dismissive response like, “How do you expect me to be affectionate after working in the office for 12 hours?”
Try this for size:
“I’ve been busy with the new project this month, so I can see why you feel neglected. You’re always the most important thing to me. Let’s plan a nice dinner for this weekend just for you and me. .
Oh dear! Even I got goosebumps reading this.
Practice makes progress (not perfect!)
Sorry celebrity couples on Instagram, we see through your adorable smelly selfies. The next time you start comparing yourself to your perfect neighbors, remember that NO marriage is without conflict.
It’s not about perfection. It’s about unlearning one small habit at a time and getting back to what’s important: your relationship.
Want to read more about The Four Horsemen of Conflict & Their Antidotes? Head to gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
About Gloria
Gloria is an ink-lovin’ Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach based out of Canada, and host of Top 100 show The Inner Child Podcast. Gloria helps High Achievers break the pattern of toxic relationships and create lasting love by healing the inner child. You can find out more about her at bygloriazhang.com and follower her on Instagram @bygloriazhang.
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- Photography: Sonum May Photography